Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Marriage, Catholic Beliefs, and This Catholic

Or, "Marriage, Sacraments, and All That"

My second-oldest daughter got married on the fifth of this month. I started writing this post before the wedding, but I've been a bit distracted, mostly by the impending death of my father.

One thing I'll say: My life hasn't been boring.

Yeah: My Wife's Catholic: and You Know What That Means, Heh Heh Heh!

Actually, quite a few people don't.

Quite a number of Protestant denominations take Ephesians 5:22 quite seriously. Odds are that you have heard this:
"Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord."
(Ephesians 5:22)
The problem is, that all too many people - men and (a bit surprisingly) women - stop reading there.

As a result, 'way too many couples live for years with the lord and master getting everything he wants. Then, if the jerk is lucky, the woman files for a divorce, or just runs away. Sometimes we end up reading another one of those 'black widow' news stories.

I suppose I need to say this: That's not how the Catholic Church operates.

I know: You may have had a run-in with a whack job of a Catholic layman, or maybe a priest, who was really big on keeping women barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. Some priests and alleged Catholic theologians have said some really odd things from time to time. (August 26, 2009)

Read the Book! It says be Subordinate to Each Other!

Here's the deal: That part of Ephesians runs like this:
"5 Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. 6

"Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.

"For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body.

"As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her

"to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,

"that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

"So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

"For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church,

"because we are members of his body."
(Ephesians 5:21-30) [emphasis mine]
I'm one of those people who read a manifest, or a contract, before signing it. It takes a little time, but I like to know what I've given my word on.

With an agreement as important as marriage, I was particularly careful to know just what I was signing on for.

Even before I met my wife, I knew about that Ephesians thing. Not just the culturally-normative 'wives, thou shalt bring hubby his beer' part: the whole thing.

I also knew what Jesus had done for His Church. Knowing what was going to happen, he walked back to Jerusalem to be tortured to death. I'd just as soon not endure an agonizing death in order to serve my wife. But, if necessary, that's what I'd be required to do. Like it says, "...even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her...."

That doesn't mean I'm some kind of ideal husband - or even close to it. But I do know what's expected of me.

Marriage isn't All Death-By-Torture: There's Diaper Changing, Too

I haven't run into this in Holy Writ, but I think it's a good idea: change the diapers and clean out the toilet. Actually, I don't think it matters who does what when it comes to chores: as long as they get done, and everybody pitches in.

Let's See, Where Was I?

This post has been written over a span of about four weeks, so my writing's a bit more non-linear than usual.

Let's see:
  • "Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ."
    • Got that
  • Change diapers - make yourself useful
    • Right
I didn't go into that "Husbands, love your wives" thing as much as I could - but that's a key point.

A Catholic Marriage is a - "Sacrament"?!

I ran into a handy FAQ about marriage, Catholic style, on the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops website. Here's the first point:
"1. Why does the church teach that marriage is a sacrament?

"The sacraments make Christ present in our midst. Like the other sacraments, marriage is not just for the good of individuals, or the couple, but for the community as a whole. The Catholic Church teaches that marriage between two baptized persons is a sacrament. The Old Testament prophets saw the marriage of a man and woman as a symbol of the covenant relationship between God and his people. The permanent and exclusive union between husband and wife mirrors the mutual commitment between God and his people. The Letter to the Ephesians says that this union is a symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church...."
("Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage," Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth, USCCB)
So, as a Catholic couple, we're a living symbol of Christ and the Church. Hey, no pressure - - -.

Okay, so Marriage is a Sacrament: What's That?

There are seven sacraments: There are seven sacraments in all:
  • Baptism
  • Confirmation
  • Eucharist
  • Penance
  • Matrimony
  • Holy orders
  • The anointing of the sick
  • (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1210)
Okay. There are seven, and that's what they're called. But what's a sacrament?
"Christ instituted the sacraments of the new law. There are seven: Baptism, Confirmation (or Chrismation), the Eucharist, Penance, the Anointing of the Sick, Holy Orders, and Matrimony. The seven sacraments touch all the stages and all the important moments of Christian life: they give birth and increase, healing and mission to the Christian's life of faith. There is thus a certain resemblance between the stages of natural life and the stages of the spiritual life."
(Catechism, 1210)
That'll have to do for now. I've put a link to the section of the Catechism that kicks off, down in "Background" - it's Section Two.
" 'The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.' "
(1601)
After that there's a whole lot of counter-cultural stuff about loving each other, indissoluble unions, having children, and raising them with a love of God.

I won't kid you: marriage isn't for wimps. But do it right, and it's a hoot. In the case of me and my wife, I'm quite sure that God's been holding us up. It's not by my strength, that's sure.

The Catholic Church Has - You Guessed it - Rules About Marriage

For starters, the Church insists that those getting married be
  • Human
  • One man and one woman
    • No
      • Polygamy
      • Polyandry
    • Even if your culture says otherwise
    (Catechism, 1601-1658, Leviticus 20:15)
There are some minimum requirements too. Mostly that the two parties:
  1. Are free to marry
  2. Freely exchange their consent
  3. They have the intention to
    • Marry for life
    • Be faithful to one another
    • Be open to children
  4. Give their consent
    • In the presence of two witnesses
    • Before a properly authorized Church minister
    (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), "Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage")
That last requirement, #4, can be waived - but the waiver has to be approved by a church authority. (USCCB)

Getting married in the Catholic Church isn't as simple as getting hitched by Viva Las Vegas Wedding Chapels Inc. - but then, the Church is helping you get ready for a lifetime commitment as a symbol of Christ's relationship with His Church.

Which can mean the psychological and spiritual equivalent of a decades-long marathon. Or, as in the case of my son-in-law's first marriage, the devotion, joy, sadness and loss of those decades packed into a very short span.

Either way, you're well-advised to get ready before tying the knot.

Catholic marriage being a sacrament is another reason why it has to be in a church (a cathedral will do, too) - unless there's a really good reason for doing it somewhere else. And then, you have to get clearance.

There's a Lot of Fun, Too

If you do it right, marriage can be a wonderful experience. I have a hard time imagining life without our six children - the four who lived to be born, and the two who didn't.

It hasn't been one long sweetness-and-light session. This morning, for example, my son and I had a few rather tense words about a particular activity: but we're okay now, and he's learned a bit about himself, I trust. So have I, for that matter. (I'd be more specific - but I'd have to clear it with him first: And I'm not delaying this post another day.)

And now, if I'm going to be a halfway-decent husband and father tomorrow, I have to tie this post up and get to bed. Goodnight, and my God bless you.

Related posts:
Background:

Friday, March 27, 2009

Annulment: Divorce, Catholic Style - NOT!

'Annulment is a Catholic divorce.' Odds are pretty good that you've heard something like that: or read it. 'Everybody knows' that when a Catholic couple is tired of that love, honor and (yukkkk!) obey stuff (that is so nineteen-fifties!), they get a divorce: just like everybody else.

Except it's called an annulment, and the Catholic Church used to be so behind the times with that thing. Why, they actually expected people to get married before getting it on.

Imagine!

I ran into a witty, urbane, sophisticated, intelligent - you get the picture - post about those Catholics today. Here's how it starts:
Mother Church can be rigid, but at times—bless her—she can think like a $700-an-hour K Street lawyer. Annulments are granted for a number of reasons: lack of discretion (I didn't realize the bum was a drunk at the time); defective consent (The bum lied—he didn't want kids all along); psychic incapacity (The bum was a schizophrenic!); prior bond (see 'ligamen,' above). As the Rev. John Catoir, a doctor of canon law, points out, 'Forty years ago, people were told "You made your bed, now sleep in it." ' Thank God this is no longer the Church’s guiding philosophy. If the church had been this progressive in the matter of annulments back in the 1530s in merry olde England, the Archbishop of Canterbury would today be a Roman cardinal. But back to Newt….
"The Audacity of Poping"
Blogs and Stories Christopher Buckley (March 26, 2009)
I don't blame Mr. Buckley for assuming that what he describes is the policy of the Catholic Church. Quite a few Catholic priests in America have, for decades, been giving every indication that they know less about Catholic beliefs and practices than the doctor of canon law cited by Mr. Buckley.

Unhappily, priests who are on the same page as Catoir are ignoramuses. That's not a naughty word: An ignoramus is a know nothing, an uneducated person or an ignorant person (Princeton's WordNet)

Catoir is, obviously, not an uneducated person. You have to sit through a whole lot of classes, and give the approved answers on many tests, before you get a piece of paper that says you're a doctor of canon law.

I don't know where Catoir got his documentation, but quite a few priests in America have been cranked out by seminaries whose faculties apparently had a bold, imaginative vision for what they thought the Catholic Church ought to be teaching: and would, if they were in the top slot.

Getting a Degree and Getting an Education

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) are, let's face it, a bunch of eggheads. Seriously educated men. 'Educated' as in taught how to assemble, assess, analyze, and compare information, form conclusions based on the information and check those conclusions against what others have found.

In some circles, they're not considered very intelligent, since they didn't learn to parrot back what the department head wanted to hear: and don't have politically correct views on important issues.

Actually, some of the USCCB's views do seem to be politically correct. Liberals aren't always wrong: and conservatives aren't always right. Keep digging, though, and you'll find that the USCCB teaches things that might cause myocardial infarctions among both liberals and conservatives. That's a whole different topic.

'Annulment is a Catholic Divorce:' Reality Check, Please!

'Everybody knows' that an annulment is what Catholics call a divorce. The USCCB doesn't seem to realize that. Neither does the Holy See, but I'll get to that later.

FAQ About Marriage - Catholic Style

The USCCB's "Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage" has some eye-openers about what the Catholic Church really teaches about marriage. For example:

"19. What is an annulment?

"An annulment is a declaration by a tribunal (Catholic church court) that a marriage thought to be valid according to Church law actually fell short of at least one of the essential elements required for a binding union (see question #3). Unlike civil divorce, an annulment does not erase something that was already there, but rather it is a declaration that a valid marriage was never actually brought about on the wedding day. A declaration of nullity does not deny that a relationship ever existed between the couple, or that the spouses truly loved one another."

That's a rather long paragraph, so I put some of the points in bold

A quick review: A Catholic annulment
  • Is not a divorce
  • Is a declaration that a valid marriage never existed
That Makes the Kids Bastards, Right?
Wrong.

Back to that FAQ page:

"21. If a marriage is annulled are the children from it considered illegitimate?

"No. A declaration of nullity has no effect on the legitimacy of children, since the child's mother and father were presumed to be married at the time that the child was born."

I hope that's clear: The kids of a couple whose alleged marriage was annulled are considered legitimate.

There's quite a lot more on that marriage FAQ page: I recommend reading it.

There's More to the Catholic Faith than a FAQ Page

There's a translation in English, of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Actually, there are at least two floating around. One is a quite imaginative take on what the Holy See should have written, in the opinion of the translators.

The other, more accurate, translation is available online at the USCCB website.

There's a whole section of the Catechism about Marriage: "Article 7
The Sacrament OF Matrimony
"

Most of Article 7 doesn't have much to do with annulments. It's about what a marriage is: not what it's not.

Another recommendation: If you're interested in what the Catholic Church has to say about marriage, and English is your first language: read Article 7 of the Catechism. It's heavy reading in spots: but it's accurate. Which is more that I can say for Catholics, educated and otherwise, who go to the first church of Pelosi, and believe in the Gospel According to Newsweek.

Marriage: Catholic Style

You want to know what the Catholic Church really says about marriage? Or anything else? Don't ask some dude: even if he's got a title. The Catholic Church is pretty good about letting people know what's what.

It's up to you to learn, though.

A few bits and pieces, from Article 7 of the Catechism:
Marriage is Real
"...The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator...." (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 16303)

Maybe that's why divorce hurts so much. Just a thought.
You Mean, You Want KIDS?!
"...Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: 'And God blessed them, and God said to them: "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it." '..." (1604)

Remember what I said about myocardial infarctions: The Catholic Church isn't in the business of keeping up with intellectual fashions. You don't like it? You can leave. I don't advise that you do: but my job ends with passing on facts. What you do with your immortal soul is, as I've written before, up to you. Back to marriage.
Marriage in the Catholic Church? Yeah, it's Kind of a Big Deal
"On the threshold of his public life Jesus performs his first sign—at his mother's request—during a wedding feast. The Church attaches great importance to Jesus' presence at the wedding at Cana. She sees in it the confirmation of the goodness of marriage and the proclamation that thenceforth marriage will be an efficacious sign of Christ's presence." (1613)

If you'd rather think that Mary having Jesus get more drinks for everybody is a purely spiritual thing: fine. As I said before, that's your business. Fact is, though, the party was running out of wine: and Mary was very insistent about her son doing something about it. Which he did. (The story's in John 2: 1-10.)
A Catholic Marriage Involves Consenting Adults
"The parties to a marriage covenant are a baptized man and woman, free to contract marriage, who freely express their consent; 'to be free' means:
  • not being under constraint;
  • not impeded by any natural or ecclesiastical law."
(1625)
No Consent? No Marriage
"The Church holds the exchange of consent between the spouses to be the indispensable element that 'makes the marriage.' If consent is lacking there is no marriage.

"The consent consists in a 'human act by which the partners mutually give themselves to each other': 'I take you to be my wife'—'I take you to be my husband.' This consent that binds the spouses to each other finds its fulfillment in the two 'becoming one flesh.'

"The consent must be an act of the will of each of the contracting parties, free of coercion or grave external fear.130 No human power can substitute for this consent. If this freedom is lacking the marriage is invalid." (1626-1628)

"For this reason (or for other reasons that render the marriage null and void) the Church, after an examination of the situation by the competent ecclesiastical tribunal, can declare the nullity of a marriage, i.e., that the marriage never existed. In this case the contracting parties are free to marry, provided the natural obligations of a previous union are discharged." (1629)
Short Version: It Takes Two to Make a Marriage; One to Make an Annulment
If one of the adults intends to be part of a Catholic Marriage, and the other doesn't - but says he/she does at the time of the ceremony - a Catholic Marriage did not take place. Demonstrating that one of the parties didn't consent is what can make an annulment take so long.

But, Father Schmoo Says Divorce is Okay

I don't know how to break this to you, but some Catholic priests aren't quite up to spec. You may have heard about a few naughty priests, who liked to have sex with young boys? It was in the news a few years ago.

They really were (and, in quite a few cases, still are) Catholic priests. That didn't make what they did right, and it certainly didn't mean that the Catholic Church teaches 'go and sin some more.'

Which is a can of worms I'll leave for another post.

The point is: A Catholic priest can do something that isn't approved of by the Catholic Church. Priests are human beings. Sometimes they do bad things.

I'm just grateful for all the priests who are good, practicing, Catholics: and don't get their names in the news, and aren't asked to appear on talk shows.

Go Ahead: Look it Up

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, English translation, is available online, as I wrote earlier. It's not the easiest reading in the world, but I think it's worth it.

Particularly if you're seriously interested in learning what the Catholic Church teaches.

If you just want to seem 'intelligent,' read blog posts like "The Audacity of Poping" - or read Maria Monk's classic.

After all: What would the USCCB know? They're Catholics: and everybody knows what they're like.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Psycho Santa's Slaying Spree - The Catholic Connection

An eight-year-old girl answered the door this Christmas Eve. It was Santa Claus, holding a big, gift-wrapped package.

He shot her in the face.

She was one of the lucky ones.

So far, the body count is 9, including the ersatz Santa, with one missing. The 'Psycho Santa' story has been international news, ever since Covina, California, police had to keep the fire department away from a burning house. The police had good reason. Early reports said there were still shots coming from the place, and American police have a duty to protect people: including firefighters.

No 'Former Altar Boy' News Coverage This Time

A decade or so back, the phrase "former altar boy" showed up in the news about as often as "Vietnam veteran" had earlier. Whoever had robbed a liquor store or shot a convenience store clerk would be described as 'John Doe, former altar boy.'

There wasn't any connection between John Doe being Catholic, and a criminal: but that's not the impression left by all those 'criminal suspect, former altar boy' articles. After a few years of outfits like Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights pointing this out, The Associated Press and other news services stopped linking criminality and Catholicism.

It's been a long time since I've seen "former altar boy" as the description of a criminal, and that's fine by me.

Psycho Santa, Those Catholics, and the Blogosphere

I'm even more impressed at the lack of anti-Catholic rants (so far) about the Psycho Santa of Covina in the blogosphere.

I so impressed by one post, that I'm copying an excerpt from it:
"An article also noted that Pardo was a devout Catholic, btw. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything other than to point out he seems to have forgotten about 'thou shalt not kill,' or that the civil divorce (there's no report of an annulment, so by his own faith, he was still married in the eyes of the church) somehow sent him over the edge...."
("Pam's House Blend" (December 26, 2008))
Even a blog with posts like "THE CATHOLIC CONNECTION! WHAT DOES A NEW WORLD ORDER HAVE TO DO WITH THE CATHOLIC CHURCH? What do Nazis and Communists Have to do With the Catholic Church?" limited its commentary on the Santa massacre to a factual repeat of what's in the news. (EndrTimes, December 25, 2008, listed below)

I'm not feeling the hate - and don't mind a bit.

Many of the holiest (by their standards) people where I grew up hated Catholicism with a passion. Their malignant virtue made quite an impression on me, and is one reason why I converted to Catholicism. It also, I think, helps explain why I'm a bit surprised at not finding a diatribe about Catholicism causing mass murder.

Maybe the sincere, earnest, people who warn us about the 'Queen of Whores' and the Black Pope will leave the Catholic connection to this horrible crime alone.

Psycho Santa: The Catholic Connection

Bruce Jeffrey Pardo had volunteered to be an usher at the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church's Christmas Eve Midnight Mass. He didn't make it this year, since he was busy murdering his wife and in-laws, setting fire to their house, blowing up a rental car, and killing himself at the time.
I'm Not Allowed to Judge Pardo
I have no way of knowing what was going on inside Bruce Jeffrey Pardo's head this Christmas Eve. And I have no business passing judgment on him. That's God's job, not mine. As the Catechism1 puts it, "although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God." (1861)

So, I am allowed to discuss Mr. Pardo's acts, and express opinions about whether they were naughty or nice.
Murder Isn't Nice, and You Shouldn't do it
The Roman Catholic Church teaches that human life is sacred (2258), and says: "Do not slay the innocent and the righteous." (2261) It follows that you're not supposed to kill your wife - or husband - even if you're in a bad mood.
Suicide is Naughty
The Catholic Church has a few words to say about suicide, including:
"Everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign Master of life. We are obliged to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners, of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of." (2280-2283)
Short version: I'm not supposed to kill myself. God gave me this life, and wouldn't take kindly to my cutting it short.

The Church's stand on suicide is one that I take rather personally, since I thought about killing myself, briefly, several decades ago. I wasn't Catholic at the time, and what stopped me was what I call Scandinavian thinking. My ancestors out-endured glaciers and dire wolves: therefore, I can outlast a foul mood and a few inconveniences. And, as it turned out, I did.

One more thing:
"We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives." (2283)
That's a relief, since a woman who meant a great deal to me killed herself about three decades back, now.
Divorce, Catholic Style
The Pam's House Blend post impressed me, in part because the author knew the difference between a civil divorce and an annulment. Not everybody, including quite a few Catholics, do.

An annulment isn't a "Catholic divorce," it's an official recognition that a sacramental marriage never existed in the first place (1629)

A Catholic marriage is a pretty big deal. It involves a man and a woman willingly giving themselves to each other in a "permanent, covenantal, exclusive, unconditional, life giving, commitment that unites the couple as a sign of Christ’s love" (An Analysis of Diocesan Marriage Preparation Policies," USCCB).

I've run into arguments that the difficulty that Catholics have, trading in their spouse on a newer model, leads to mental suffering and sometimes murder. Having standards of behavior can be stressful, but I don't see the Church's position as particularly oppressive. People can leave the Roman Catholic Church any time they want, and in America there are few legal restrictions on who lives with who: although not every hookup has the same legal standing as a traditional marriage, yet.

Which is a whole different topic.

Back to Covina's Psycho Santa and the Christmas Eve Massacre

More details - and maybe another body - are being pulled out of the wreckage of the Christmas Eve killings. Bruce Pardo and a girlfriend had a baby around nine years ago. The kid fell in a pool, nearly drowned, and was physically handicapped as a result.

For whatever reason, Pardo bailed on that relationship, didn't support his son, but claimed the kid as a deduction on his income tax for seven years.

Also, Pardo didn't tell the woman he killed Christmas Eve about his son.

She found out, which probably had something to do with her going through with a civil divorce.

In a way, I feel almost sorry for Pardo. He lost a deduction, a wife, and his job - no wonder he was upset. About the job: to get a job as an engineer at Northrop Grumman, it helps to say you have a master's degree in the field. It's even better, if you really do have the degree.

Mr. Prado had been enrolled at USC, but hadn't earned a degree. The Los Angeles Times story doesn't say if that's the reason he lost his job, but it can't have helped.

What with one thing and another, Mr. Prado was under a lot of stress. But that's still not a good excuse for what he did.

A Little Good News

The eight-year old girl who was shot by Santa is "doing fine" - all things considered. She's got at least one parent left: her mother has visited her, the LA Times said.

I doubt that she'll ever think of Santa Claus the same way, though.

Views: In the news: Background:
1 Those numbers in parentheses are references in the "Catechism of the Catholic Church."

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Marian Apparition: Champion, Wisconsin

Background:Posts in this blog: In the news:

What's That Doing in a Nice Catholic Blog?

From time to time, a service that I use will display links to - odd - services and retailers.

I block a few of the more obvious dubious advertisers.

For example: psychic anything, numerology, mediums, and related practices are on the no-no list for Catholics. It has to do with the Church's stand on divination. I try to block those ads.

Sometime regrettable advertisements get through, anyway.

Bottom line? What that service displays reflects the local culture's norms, - not Catholic teaching.